Montalto Vineyard and Olive Grove

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Category: Dinner, Lunch, Modern Australian, Winery restaurant

The view from the car park

The view from the car park

A SUNDAY MORNING, ANY TIME OF YEAR

Tubbymaster is sitting at his desk, a white-wash trestle table upon which his iMac is perched. As he taps out an email, he hears the nearby television stutter then hop to yet another channel. He glances over his shoulder at Tubbymistress, who is reclining on the couch, lazily flicking between channels in an attempt to find something other than football panel shows.

TUBBYMASTER: What do you feel like doing today?
TUBBYMISTRESS: I don’t know. What do you feel like doing?

Montalto Vineyard and Olive Grove
33 Shoreham Road, Red Hill South, VIC
www.montalto.com.au

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The Graham

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Category: Bayside, Dinner, Gastropub, Lunch, Modern Australian

The handsome Graham, nestled amongst Victorian terraces and parkland in Port Melbourne

The Graham, a renovated pub on the quiet end of one of Port Melbourne’s busiest streets

EARLY ON A SUNNY SATURDAY MORNING

The Tubby Two are jogging along the beachside track, Tubbymistress a nose ahead. Clad in black leggings and a long-sleeved jogging shirt – and completely into the zone thanks to Kelly Rowland’s ‘Work’ – she is moving with unexpected gazelle-like grace.

A short shirtless man looms up on the track, heading toward her. Shirtless Man isn’t dripping with sweat but overt jogging superiority, decked out with an iPod armband, silver earphones and a suspicious winter tan. He is also smack-bang in the middle of the track and not showing any sign of moving across.

As he approaches, Tubbymistress steps off the track to avoid a collision. He swooshes past like an express train hurtling through a station. She glances over her shoulder at Tubbymaster, and frowns. ‘Do you think he even saw me?’

The Graham
cnr Graham St and Esplanade West, Port Melbourne VIC
www.thegraham.com.au

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The Palace by Luke Mangan

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Category: Dinner, Gastropub, Lunch, Modern Australian

The Palace by Luke Mangan, perched on the corner of Pickles St and City Road, South Melbourne

The Palace by Luke Mangan, perched on the corner of Pickles St and City Road, South Melbourne

SOMETIME ON A SATURDAY AFTERNOON

The Batmobile is sitting at a busy intersection, waiting for the green light to continue its assault on Melbourne’s streets. In the front passenger seat, Tubbymistress is gazing outside as the sun dances on the window and the light turns to green.

A building catches her eye on the precipice of Port Melbourne. It looks like an old pub, one that has been dipped in a giant bucket of gunmetal grey paint.

TUBBYMASTER: What is that place?

TUBBYMISTRESS (shrugs): I don’t know. Some dodgy place, probably.

The Palace by Luke Mangan
505 City Road (cnr Pickles St), South Melbourne VIC
palacehotelmelbourne.com.au

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Portello Rosso

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Category: CBD, Dinner, Lunch, Monday to Saturday, Small plates, Spanish, Tapas

First floor of Portello Rosso: comfy and inviting

Bird's eye view of a tapas and jamon restaurant called Portello Rosso

Once upon a time, in a winter wonderland called Melbourne, there was a lady called Tubbymistress and a tapas-slash-jamon restaurant called Portello Rosso. Their long-awaited rendezvous took place on an icy Saturday night in June – not so much a meeting of minds as a meeting of empty stomach with Spanish-inspired food …

Portello Rosso
15 Warburton Lane (off Little Bourke St), Melbourne VIC
www.portellorosso.com.au

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